Life and life's questions

 When we married, the age difference didn't seem to matter that much.  Now, I am 66 and she is 83 and it matters a great deal. Of course, there are the health issues that come with age; I've taken her to the doctor more times than I could count. I've taken her to the emergency room several times too.  And there is the helping around the house.  I now do most of it (she has a cleaning lady so it isn't that bad). She gets injured more often.  A simple trip leads to a broken foot.  And recovery from that means I do more, a lot more.   So, our relationship is very, very lopsided.  I do much more for her than she could ever do for me. And that leads to one of my quirks: I score keep. She does not.  And she has an annoying habit of making me disappear when she sees someone she knows in public, or when she gets a call from someone she likes. This came to a head some time ago when a male friend called her.  She just gushed, glowed..you can ...

  This isn't really a study of any sort.  But the question I want to ask: if you are married and have an "opposite sex" friend, is there a point where the relationship starts to migrate from "platonic" to "danger of cheating" territory? I've heard that it often starts with discussions. I admit that I've been a bit naive here. One time, I had an unusually long e-mail conversation with an athletic friend (one I had not met as yet in real life).  She finished with "thanks; this has been fun."  I told my spouse about that and she winced; that surprised me. But I guess that matters. Yes, my spouse can have access to my phone.  One time she sneaked a peek because I had a somewhat lengthy phone conversation.  It turns out it was with my daughter. LOL. But the real risk my spouse would take by seeing my phone would be dying of boredom. But back to behavior: what constitutes going into a gray area? I was going to list some examples, but I gues...

 My spouse was a very accomplished professional in a "people" field. She consoled, she encouraged and she listened.  And she did so in a way so that people (mostly college students) knew that they were heard. So, folks assume that she did that at home, but, well, not really. The old saying is that the family with the worst shoes in the village is the cobbler's family. We were discussing and she said something to the effect that "you wanted to be special to me; for me to treat you as special"    My response: that is a very reasonable demand from a husband.  And you should have seen the look on her face; it was priceless..almost as if she could not comprehend the concept. The bottom line is that while she is skilled with people outside the marriage, her emotional IQ in her main relationship is barely 80, borderline special needs even.  That makes it hard to live with her. But yes, just as women want to feel special to their spouse, men do too.  Oh, back ...

 And yes, I am talking about heterosexual couples. I'd say: "yes", to a point.  Why do I qualify my answer?  I've seen the dynamic suggested by these AI generated photos in play, many times. It seems to me that the eagerness to embrace "friendship activities" with a member of the opposite sex is correlated with how attractive that member is! No, I am not Mike Pence.  Yes, in the modern office, one has to work with both men and women and to get along in a platonic way.  One can also say the same about, say, club committees, church committees, etc. But when it comes to social type stuff, well, my guess is that the part of the brain that controls the human courting ritual actions is active and I wonder just "how" platonic the event is, even if no overtly sexual activity takes place.   I know that, for myself, the things I seek in a friend are often many of the things that make a woman attractive to me. 

 This is the part where I examine my own behavior. I've had female friends all my life, including friends that I did not consider "dates".  I know about the concept of "platonic friend."  But, just what does that mean, and what does it mean for a married man? Since I am interested in the topic of jealousy, I'll talk about MY behavior and not my spouse's.  So, let's turn to social media for a bit, as that is part of my community. People talk about "taken men" responding to women's photos.  And yes, I've crossed the line here and there putting "heart react" and sometimes "heart eyes."  I didn't think of it at the time, but I can't expect my spouse NOT to flirt if I am doing that.   Ok, it has been done to me too, though one of my wife's female friends responded to one of my photos with the word "yum."  I admit that it made me laugh. But what about the selfie taken with a friend? These selfies ...

At about the middle of next March, my wife and I will have been married for 30 years. Of course, we have to make it 2 more weeks, but the actuarial tables say that this is highly likely. Note: we met later in life: she was 53 and I was 36 when we married.    Of course, there have been episodes of jealousy on both sides. On her side, it was more of the "oh no, he might fall in love with someone else and leave me" variety. And there was a time when I worried that she might leave, but that isn't the case anymore.   As you can deduce, I am now 66 and she is 83 and she has many of the issues common to an 83 year old (easier to break bones, needs help with some routine tasks, etc.) and so that means that I have to do far more for her than she does for me. Ok, so far. But this past November, she broke her foot and had to stay off of it as much as possible for a while (walking boot; wheelchair for longer trips). But she went ahead and invited her mentally impaired ad...