A challenge of living with an elderly spouse

 When we married, the age difference didn't seem to matter that much.  Now, I am 66 and she is 83 and it matters a great deal.

Of course, there are the health issues that come with age; I've taken her to the doctor more times than I could count. I've taken her to the emergency room several times too.  And there is the helping around the house.  I now do most of it (she has a cleaning lady so it isn't that bad).

She gets injured more often.  A simple trip leads to a broken foot.  And recovery from that means I do more, a lot more.   So, our relationship is very, very lopsided.  I do much more for her than she could ever do for me.

And that leads to one of my quirks: I score keep. She does not.  And she has an annoying habit of making me disappear when she sees someone she knows in public, or when she gets a call from someone she likes.

This came to a head some time ago when a male friend called her.  She just gushed, glowed..you can tell the attention excited her.  And I was right there and had just tended to one of her injuries.

I was beside myself with anger; I basically told her that "he got your best, I got your...." and what followed WAS vulgur and ugly, but was related to some of her physical senior problems (not unusual).   I also said there was no joy being with her: only duty (felt that way when I said it) and told her that I would only commit to staying with her until she was sufficiently healed.

Later, as I tended to her injury..her foot on my lap as I sat in the sofa, she started crying.  She really didn't understand the degree to which I felt disrespected.

She only understood jealousy in the way SHE understands it:  "OMG, he is going to leave me, possibly for someone else." (she makes it a point to remind me how miserable I'd be with my female friend(s)). 

Jealousy for me isn't like that: I have no fear of her leaving me; in fact I'd be relieved if she did as it would spare me from living through her demise.    For me: jealousy is feeling like a sucker: she does not see me as "special" except in what I can do for her and has no clue as to why I would think that I warrant special treatment. 

Her emotional IQ is barely 2 digits, even though she had a successful career as a people person. 

And there it is: as the duties on me pile up, I do feel entitled to something, and I am not going to get it.

So, I compensate.  I decided to view her as a mistress that I am legally married to.  And I do enjoy the home life, and I enjoy taking her out. She is great company: no one I'd rather spend time with.   So I keep the relationship private: no photos of her in my office, I've removed all photos of me with her on social media (my accounts) and I removed the "married" tag on Facebook.  I do not tag her in posts any longer.   And that seems to work.


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