Spousal Jealousy: not always from the same place

At about the middle of next March, my wife and I will have been married for 30 years. Of course, we have to make it 2 more weeks, but the actuarial tables say that this is highly likely. Note: we met later in life: she was 53 and I was 36 when we married. 

 

Of course, there have been episodes of jealousy on both sides. On her side, it was more of the "oh no, he might fall in love with someone else and leave me" variety. And there was a time when I worried that she might leave, but that isn't the case anymore. 

 As you can deduce, I am now 66 and she is 83 and she has many of the issues common to an 83 year old (easier to break bones, needs help with some routine tasks, etc.) and so that means that I have to do far more for her than she does for me. Ok, so far. But this past November, she broke her foot and had to stay off of it as much as possible for a while (walking boot; wheelchair for longer trips). But she went ahead and invited her mentally impaired adult nephew to visit over part of my Christmas break. I was furious! 

 Yes, that was the custom, but now her foot was broken and I had to do just about everything; no relaxation for me (I am still fully employed, she is retired). So, my anger grew: this had been a sort of tough year; I had to take her to the emergency room when she thought she could do without her blood pressure medicine (not the first trip to the ER..there had been several). There were many times when she offered to do things for other people...which meant that *I* was the one doing it. And now this...and there was my tending to her foot: taking the boot off, tending to the blisters, rubbing it down, cleaning it and doing other "senior care" type things. 

 So that was my mood. Then one of her male friends called her up. She had worked in a retirement job for a number of years, and this guy was a partner on one of her work road trips (she asked me..I said "ok" and wasn't worried); they had also had lunch a time or two. He was calling her to ask her out to lunch. Calling a married woman to ask her out: sort of smarmy behavior but ok...it was her reception.

 When she answered the phone and found out who it was, she broke into her "sorority girl" squeal; she lit up; you can tell she was lit up with joy, flattery and titilation. And THAT just about set me off. After the call, we had a bit of fight. And there I said something to the effect: "well, that's great. He gets your charm; you get titilated and I get all the hard, grungy work. There is no joy in this marriage for me, only duty. " But I said it in a very cruel, demeaning manner.

 Her feelings were deeply hurt but I did not care. Yes, I was jealous, but I was not jealous because I feared her leaving. I was actually HOPING that she'd leave me! (more on that later) My jealousy stemmed from that I had to do all of the hard work and some other man got to benefit from her best.

 Anyway, I told her that I would not leave her until she was healed up enough to drive and have some physical independence. Later, when I was tending to her foot (on my lap); I was rubbing her down with lotion, she started to cry. That ended up blowing up again about a month later but the date was changed to a 3 person affair, per her request. So, here we were.

 In the meantime, I deleted all photos of us from my Facebook and took off my "married" status. I also took down all of her photos at my office. Now I should state this: at no time did she show the signs of someone having an affair. 

She always wanted as much contact/touch as I was willing to give; she wanted me to still sleep in the same bed, she always greets me when I get home and, as I write this, she is acting very loving toward me. And yes, she is great company at events. She never acted withdrawn; the calls from her friend were never frequent, etc. And she ASKED me to look at her phone, texts, etc. I saw nothing wrong there. 

 Still, thinking about this (her reaction to the call) still makes me sore. 

 So, I decided to look at my own behavior over the past 30 years and to examine my behavior toward women: the events I went to with them, the backrubs (brief, while sitting), the "very close" selfies, the talks, e-mail, text and DM exchanges and MY flirtatious behavior. And, some of it is cringeworthy. I have to give what I want. So, the posts here will be an exercise on that.